So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
