We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
