My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
