Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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