he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
