It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
