Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
