god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
