Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize