Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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