i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
