Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
