she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
