R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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