She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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