if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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