Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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