Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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