no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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