very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
