She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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