Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
