I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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