I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My liver just broke up with me...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
