You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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