Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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