So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
