I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
