Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
