you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
