Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
