Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As shirtless as possible
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
