So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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