duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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