dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
