i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
