Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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