it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Come see our sink grown plant.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
