Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
