Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
