You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
