my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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