You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Randomize
