I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
