She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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