Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
