i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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