so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
