You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
a search helicopter?!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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