Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
