The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
