I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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