i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Drunk is a universal language darling
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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