My first STD was from a foam party
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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