How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize